Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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