So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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