this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
