Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
