The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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