like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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