by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
