woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
