Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
