I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
