you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
