hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
