bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
