Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
