Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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