Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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