Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
