I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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