Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
