i think i scared a bird with my dick
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
