I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
