Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
love makes seman taste better
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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