he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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