There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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