There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
