new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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