A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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