Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
