dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
