Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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