I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
