I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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