there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
