its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
