hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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