I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
