Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
