its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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