I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
