The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
