I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
