How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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