I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
