You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
