she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
