Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
