so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
