I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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