in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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