Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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