My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
