peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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