My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
